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I wouldn’t know because I haven’t done it yet. But every morning I get up and I wish to do it and every time someone tells me I am funny, I swear I am on the brink of leaving everything behind and just starting comedy. Comedy comes naturally to me, or so I’d like to think. I have been cracking jokes since I was a baby and I spared no one. From my mother to my teacher, I cracked jokes on everyone, which also led me to have a sad, friendless childhood because one thing that you’re absolutely not taught in Indian middle-class society is to laugh at yourself… or others. And I wouldn’t call it mocking laughter it’s more of self-aware laughter. If you can’t change the situation, you can at least laugh at it. Apparently not. Everybody thought I was a rowdy child who’s always running her mouth (which, in all honesty, I was) and my elder sister and my parents had to constantly listen to my teachers telling them how I am always distracting them from teaching. If you think a 9-year old with an obsession of Cardcaptor Sakura can distract you from teaching Biology in a class of 30 other kids, then, you might not be a great teacher, to begin with, you know what I mean? Please note that I never had any malicious intent behind my jokes, it was always done in good humor, and without thinking of the potential repercussions. This constant criticism of people who disliked me for being me changed me. I suppressed my actual thoughts and started doing everything that everybody else would categorize as “normal.” I also realized that I am my most powerful and productive self when I am taking revenge. I remembered once a Social Studies teacher humiliated me in front of the whole class for not knowing something (hello! I wouldn’t need you to teach me things if I had known everything beforehand) but since then, I sat down every evening and read whatever we were going to discuss the next day and after that unfortunate incident, there wasn’t a day in her class when I didn’t have an answer. The point is why is humiliation normal in schools? What are we trying to teach the kids? If you can’t remember books word-by-word then you aren’t going anywhere in life? That’s fucking sad. But anyway, from 2009-2012 I was super engrossed in studies person. I tried having fun too. Trying out for volleyball team and failing, leading a Graphic Design club and doing okay there, constantly acing every test and every exam, etc. I got better at studies but I failed at being myself. Come 2012, I moved to a big city for my college and I thought, “Here’s a chance for me to reinvent myself!” I tried but the friends that I had made in my first year turned out to be not so amazing people and again, I proceeded on shutting myself. In hindsight, those were the worst three years of my life, socially. My hostel friends were amazing though, they were accepting, kind, lovable, and open to hanging out with me, which is nice. After college was over, I made a promise to myself. I am not letting ANYONE fuck with me anymore. I decided to be myself again in 2015 and we can say it was a start. I met people who were nicer and cooler and had better things to do than to plan an intervention to humiliate you. (Wow, this sounds really sad) but I worked on myself and I finally could say with conviction, “I am going to reinvent myself.” And to my surprise, this time it worked. Further strengthening my belief that if you say something again and again for a long enough time, it’ll end up coming true. Now, I am just waiting for my $1 million to fall from the sky. Anyway, finally finding a place where I can be unapologetically myself led me to continue in the same industry even when it became laborious and horrible. Nothing has changed honestly I am still there. Remember the bit about trying to fit in with what’s expected of me? Too scared to let my parents, my sister, my dog, and my pados wali aunty (neighbor) down.
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So, what happens when you suddenly change your career? As with all the changes, it’s uncomfortable, disturbing, and in many ways, an eye-opening experience. But kudos to you for taking such a brave decision. Leaving your comfort zone is an abused phrase but let’s face it, doing it IRL is so hard oh goddamn it. 80% (maybe even more) are stuck with their dead-end jobs because they refuse to venture into the discomfort zone (Is that what it’s called? That’s why it’s not as popular as the comfort zone). TBH a lot of things change, you no longer have a stable source of income for a few weeks/ months in the start, depending on what you decide to do (Or if you’re really lucky, you can get a job that you love and that pays well. If you have, then DM me okay?) Your family, friends, even Facebook friends suddenly start showing interest in your life and want to know what are you doing and how much money are you making while doing so? (Back off, I am not going to tell you my monthly salary Pooja!) You go through, what I like to call, six degrees of emotion starting with ecstasy, (yes, I am finally done with my fuckall job with awful, inconsiderate, and sad colleagues) to contentment (my happiness is my priority. No amount of money can buy my happiness. I need to find my happiness and then everything else will fall into place) to super energetic (I am making a plan and being proactive and nothing can stop me from achieving my goals) to laziness (I have a lot of time I can do this tomorrow or even next month) to panic (OMG my savings are running out, I need to do something STAT) to sadness (I shouldn’t have left my job. I was wrong money can buy happiness).
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It’s not necessary that everyone goes through these stages or go through them in the same order or some might even skip some of the stages, but the fact is, let’s face it, in a society, driven by money and power, its so hard to follow your bliss without worrying about what those goddamned people would say.
When you suddenly change your career, you’ll know who plays for you and who plays against you. Friends will turn foes, the family might look away, and worse comes to worst, you’ll start losing faith in yourself. (Cool tip- other people’s faith in us should NEVER drive our faith in us) Everything else can be handled but not the last bit. No matter what happens, you NEED to believe in yourself. You got yourself till here in the first place, right? What makes you think you can’t go on? Keep pushing. You’re almost there.
When you suddenly change your career, everything seems scary. It’s not surprising. It’s unchartered territory and it’s normal AF to feel these things. It’s like the first day of high school, all over again. The only difference is your face is not full of acne and you don’t think that looking goth is cool.
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In conclusion, it’s going to be difficult, confusing and on some days, you would not want to go on. But you have to do it for yourself. Not everyone has this drive of doing something different, most of the people are content with what they have and where they are. If you have this drive, it’s there for a good reason. Go ahead, chase your dreams. You are meant for greater things. Do not suppress your inner voice, one day you’ll wake up and you’ll hate yourself for doing that. Another cool tip, no matter what you do, don’t hate yourself.
In the end, if I could give you one piece of solid advice, it’ll be that goth isn’t cool, and you never look good with those ironed our emo bangs.